Some Waterlogged River Analogies

By Jeffrey M. Bowen

     Rivers, with their currents and directions, significantly predict our destinies.  Getting sold down the river means you were cheated.  Being sent up the river suggests you went to prison.  The former probably originated from sour land deals (a river didn’t run through it after all?) while the latter surely refers to the Hudson River and a trip from NYC to Sing Sing, or Ossining where an infamous prison is located.  People in that boat find themselves in hot water, even though they are on a cold river.  Maybe they are up a creek without a paddle, but one cannot be quite sure why that is always so bad because being swept downstream may quite enjoyable.  It is popularly known as going with the flow.  This is fine unless you are headed for a fall.   It’s best to stay philosophical about flow because, after all, pretty soon it will all be water under the bridge.

     There is another condition where you don't go much of anywhere at all.  Encountered on lakes or oceans more often than on a river, you are becalmed.  Just remember, it is definitely less desirable to be stuck in the doldrums.  Then you are really going nowhere soon.   Drifting has a bunch of connotations, but I usually think of it as aimlessly wandering.  Still, drifting down a river decidedly is positive if you think like Huck Finn; then it becomes an adventure.

      In fact, tripping downstream or upstream can be either romantic, mysterious, or both.  Otherwise, why would composers write songs like “Cruising down the River” (on a Sunday afternoon, with birds making love up above?) or “Up a Lazy River”?  Why do song writers give rivers names like Moon, Sewanee, and Deep?   Because it’s  great shorthand for communicating love, longing, or religious beliefs.  Not always is the romance such a beautiful thing because some people wail, “Cry Me a River“.  Ass for “Old Man River”, well he’s just lazy and keeps on rolling along; like he’s “Rollin’ on the River”.   I like this reference because it conjures up Tina Turner gyrating to the lyrics.  

     What happens on the typical cattle drive or mass migrations of wildebeests?  A river crossing, of course!   At that juncture we get into big trouble.  Just like us, the animals get caught in cross currents, or they wade into deep water that is over their heads.  Presumably they are not getting into the same kind of hot water as felons.   But far be it from me to throw cold water on the idea because we all have rivers to cross under many different circumstances.  When we reach the point of no return, then like Julius Caesar in 49 A.D., have “crossed the Rubicon”.

      If you don’t have a bridge over troubled water, then a river crossing becomes obligatory.  Hopefully, you won’t cross the (county) line.   Since I am getting fairly close to that point, here is where I stop, tread water, and drop anchor.  There is little time for a river dance, but it might happen shortly because I can’t hold my water any longer.